My AHH HAA Moment: Post-It Notes

SOooo, I woke up this morning with a game plan: Treadmill for 20, weights for 20, shower, mail, volunteer @ historical society.  Reality bites.  This is what actually happened.

Treadmill for 20.  Well, okay it was close to 20 but more like 10 minutes.   The first 5 minutes of my walk/jog I was occupying my mind with guessing who would come into the bedroom I was in.  See we don't exactly have a workout room. The treadmill, weights, yoga mat, ... share space in the spare bedroom.  The spare bedroom is rarely used by guests so most of the time it is a place to workout. You say,"What's the problem with that?"


Every mom in the world can tell you that when you need to have time for you, it is nearly impossible when you have a husband, kids and pets sharing the house with you. For instance,  when I need to make a call, almost as soon as I get the person on the line that is when the kids and pets argue with one another.  It's almost like a warning shot before a race starts.  If the kids are outside playing then it's the dogs that start going after one another.  You think by now I would make all phone calls in my closet.  


Disturbances, distractions also happen when I need other types of alone time  to read, workout, or meditate.  Working out is the worst time though.  Imagine, you are on a treadmill.  You are jogging on an incline on a treadmill for 5 minutes and suddenly  you hear a knock or the handle vigorously jiggling.  Sometimes I hear my kids try to quietly pry the door open to the bedroom.  What is so stinking important that you just have to come in right now.  This is a pattern.  They do know I am in there.  They also know the standard applies, "Unless there is blood or an obvious broken bone do not come into this room when I am in here."  A door with a lock on it is a necessity for me, but even then what's going on beyond the doors can be a distraction.


 A closed/locked door means nothing to another person  (AHEM husband) who isn't so quiet. When I workout at home I always need to make certain both doors, the one leading into the hall and the one leading into the bedroom (where the treadmill is), are both locked. Why?  My husband will keep trying doors until one pops open. It's nice our guest room has an adjoining bathroom.  It's nice for our guests.  Usually we get guests once every three years or so.  Which brings me back to my bright idea of what a necessity a guest bedroom was. "It will cost a little extra in the long run, for that extra bedroom, but it will be worth it for our guests."  Funny how your perspective changes when reality bites back. Seriously!!

SO when I hear my husband trying the door leading from the bathroom to the bedroom I recognize what I did wrong. My fault for not locking the bathroom door.  Oh wait a minute, I can't lock it from inside the bedroom because there is no lock on this side.  He wins because he can still get in.  SO, when he can't unlock the hallway door, because I can lock that one,  he will knock.  It's like rapid fire knocking. Really!  To get my head back in the game after this in nearly impossible because now I have the dogs to contend with.  Three dogs barking their heads off because they don't realize where the knock is coming from as well as who is doing the knocking.

Door from the hallway with "Do Not Disturb" Post-it 

Then today nothing.  I kept waiting for it but nothing.  Then I really started to get paranoid, took a break and made signs, out of Post-it Notes, letting everyone know not to come in. I now ate up some more of my time being concerned about others taking it away from me.  That was an AHH HAA moment.  Not a soul tried to steal my time.  Today my distractions were all in my head.  

Door from bathroom to bedroom with "Do Not Disturb" Post-It

I walk out of the room, sit in my chair to go through emails I need to respond to.  All 3 dogs are nearby.  The puppy, now 9 months, is using the older dog as a chew toy.  No really, it's pitiful.  She drags him around by either his collar or his neck.  The bigger dog comes over to me wanting a little attention.  She trys to put her nose under my arm, lifting my arm up to initiate a petting.  I begin to pet her and along comes the puppy. The oldest dog flies up into the chair next to me.  He is shaking and his eye is draining.  He has Horner's Syndrome.  Poor baby.  The vet assures me he isn't in pain but he is quite a sight.  


Shower and off the the Historical Society for 3 hours.  I love going there, helping to document history. So much to pour through and piece together.  After I leave at 12 it's  lunch and then home to wrap things up for the day.  You know the usual phone calls and bills to pay.  Before I know it the clock says,"Time for dinner."

Who Am I?

Interestingly my last blog has parlayed into today.  Yesterday I spoke of a mid-life crisis, not mine mind you,  and finding yourself.  You have a crisis because you don't know who you are and you begin your search. This I already went through about 4 years ago.   


Today began like any other Friday.  I woke, fixed breakfast,  got the kids off to school and then headed to yoga. Bruce, our yoga instructor, ended class today with a meditation. As most meditations do, we were reflecting on ourselves.  As we were in savasana or "corpse pose" he asked us to think of all of those things that make up who you are. He wanted us to make a list in our heads. "Okay, once you are finished with that then think of all of the things that you do." Okay, that was pretty simple yet extensive.  Now I knew where he was headed with this. I was ready for the next question.  Then he asked, "Okay, now who are you?"


   I thought I had this in the bag.  I have been studying this for a while, reflecting for a while.  I know that I am not defined by what I do or the labels that I or others put on me.  While I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, teacher, taxi driver, soccer mom, lacrosse mom, volunteer, and the list goes on, just like yours does, that is not who I truly am.  Those are things I am involved in, born into, married into, ... but that isn't who I am.  


Saying it is the easy part.  It makes perfect sense. I read Eckhart Tolle's books as well as a couple by Gary Zukav.  In these books they discuss this very thing.  I also get "lining your soul up with your soul's needs."  I do understand that but at times it is hard to take it to heart.  It is hard to look at your life and make those changes. Those changes usually are not easy ones. You see your life headed in one direction and you want it to go in another or you try to maintain who you are in the eyes of others but in the end you will loose the struggle.  The things in our life that do not belong there will eventually go away.  Nothing, in my eyes, is permanent. 


As my parents said to me when I was growing up,"We can either do this the easy way or the hard way." The more you fight the stuff you don't want the more it will pop up in your life. The more you deny your authentic self the more of a struggle you will have.This was awesome until I really started feeling it.  I mean really feeling it. This is also another benefit to yoga.  For me it's not just about the poses, it's about the reflection. For me it is therapy. 


During this meditation I really began to get upset on the inside.  The emotions of the morning had settled into my soul. My coordinating efforts for the school book fair weren't enough, my daughter reminded me that I didn't make it to the store yesterday so she didn't have a bagel to eat this morning, the laundry is still laying in the bedroom from the day before, I didn't make those phone calls, get those donations in, put that load of laundry in, ...  Pretty soon in my head I am a complete failure.  


My physical body reminded me that I need to get rid of all of the garbage, negative talk,  so I started crying on the inside and slowly the tears appeared on the outside.  My physical body gave my spiritual body what it needed, a good flushing out.  I tried to dry my tears as best as I could before class ended because heaven knows I can't appear weak in yoga class. As you can read I am still learning. 


 As I got up to leave the room, we continued the conversation into the foyer.   I felt, if only for a brief minute or two,  that we are all one.  The energy in the room let me know that they were thinking the same thing I was.  We all struggle, we all have power, and we have free will.  A chance to begin again:) A new day! 

True Love Starts Here

Finally I understand the need for taking care of myself. It was always good advice to give someone else. You know that person in your life that beats themselves up and you offer up the usual, "Don't be so hard on yourself. In order to love others you must first love yourself." How many of us have actually realized this in our own life. It is hard to sit down and really think about how you treat yourself. Most of the people I know are more concerned about others. I did not really understand what it meant to "love yourself." "Sure I love myself. God made me and I love God so I automatically love myself." That is the easy part. To really understand I dug a little deeper. Loving yourself actually encompasses a lot more than that. Forgiveness is also a part of the equation and it is this part that is the most difficult to digest. We have to not only be able to forgive others but more importantly recognize when we need to forgive ourselves. Sometimes it's hard not to hold a grudge against ourselves. "If I wasn't so ______ then _________ would not have happened." This bottomless pit is an easy place for me to go to. It was comfortable and I knew what would transpire after I went there. It's hard to climb out of that hole once you are there. Little by little if you try to replace the negative talk with something positive you can turn things around. Yoga helped me do exactly that. The instructors at the studio I go to create a place so that I feel comfortable enough to forgive myself and love myself. They remind me to erase the harmful chatter and fill up that space with light, and warmth and love. I can now love others on an even deeper level because I first love me.