A Balancing Act

Yesterday was progress report day.  One of our kids brought home his progress report and knew he would be in trouble because of what the report showed, no progress. He was in a horrible mood then and woke up in a horrible mood.  


That morning the way he left for school didn't sit well with my husband.  My husband isn't used to seeing the kids off to school.   By the time they are ready to head out the door he is long gone and almost to the office.  He has missed the hugs and the "I love you and have a good day" departures but he has also missed the tears, the frustration and the indifferent attitudes.  I've become pretty good at letting that stuff roll because it is a quick process.  Usually when they decide to get upset it is right before they walk out the door to go to school.  I also do not seem to have a problem with getting drawn into a situation already in existence.  If my husband and son are sorting through things and it begins to get heated I can assist but I've  realized that it has nothing to do with me. It will be okay.  My husband, on the other hand, takes it to heart which changes his mood.  When my son left down in the dumps on that morning he took my husband with him.  I hate seeing that.  My hope is that someday both of them will learn to recognize that they are responsible for how they feel.  Then I hope to realize that I am responsible for how I feel too.


I am the resident Libra and my role is to make certain everyone is in good spirits.   I can't help myself.  I don't like  to see anyone unhappy for any reason.  I also don't like it when there is conflict.  I try to do my part in dispersing the conflict but sometimes that doesn't happen.  Okay, if I really want to be honest there aren't many times that that happens.  


I would like to be brave enough someday to conduct an experiment. What would happen if I handled the conflict differently?  Right now what happens is I begin to feel the situation shift into an unknown area.  I don't necessarily know where its going.  What if I said to myself,"Okay, things are out of control but it doesn't involve me."  If I could just get a handle on being okay with feeling that things  are in a jumble and it's still okay.  To me it isn't appropriate.  I need to validate my own feelings.  I validate everyone else's feelings so why not my own?  

I'm a Wanna-Be Fixer

Being at peace with an "issue" is a whole lot easier when those involved are not close to you. I am of course speaking of difficult issues.  Issues that could be prevented or resolved with a change in thought.

  I come from a long line of "wanna-be" fixers.  I want to help "fix things" in other's lives but at times I'm  a bit afraid to voice my opinion.  Whether I voice my true opinion or not depends on how the person is behaving in that moment.  For example, if they come to me complaining about this, that or the other thing, and it's something they can do something about,  I first determine their tone.  An angry tone is one in which listening skills should be applied first. Also if this person is one who poo poos all of my thoughts, suggestions, ... they are not going to get my true feelings but they will hear what they want to hear.  I am in no way shape or form a conflict seeker.  That to me would be confrontational.

On the flip side are those who  may not even ask for my opinion but I, on the other hand,  feel compelled, or comfortable enough with them,  to give it.  This is especially true if it's something I feel strongly about or if I can see their decision is not within my ideas of what is right and what is wrong.  Nevermind that the ideas I have may be different, but no less damaging, than theirs.

This level of comfort is usually only found in the relationship I have with my kids.  After all, haven't I earned the right and am I not obligated to let them know when the path they are on is not a good one?  Maybe this feeling of having earned the right to lead them is because I gave birth to them, I fed them, bathed them, ... They need direction and more specifically they need to know what should be happening instead of what is happening.

When they stray I let them know they better pick another option because the one they are thinking about choosing or the one they chose isn't the best.  I need to work on my delivery though.  It's hard to let them make mistake after mistake without getting frustrated enough to use the, "I told you this was going to happen.  Why didn't you listen to me?  If you had listened to me, and actually did what I said,  you could have avoided this whole mess."   I'm also trying to get it into my head that I need to settle myself down before embarking on that part of the lesson, realize that I would not want to be spoken to like that and do more listening than talking.  The most important clue into this whole puzzle is that what is happening is not a mistake.  Whatever the difficult time,  there is a lesson in there somewhere for all involved.

It's really hard to watch other family members and friends do the same.  I try to put myself in their shoes and respond accordingly.  It's difficult though when you miss the mark on understanding or just plain can't figure out why they are doing what they are. I need to work on just asking them why they do what they do but many times the conversation can get defensive and then the confrontation begins.  I'm definitely not good at responding to conflict in any shape or form.  The moment I can sense that things are headed in that direction I head in the other.  I either deflect or run.  What do you do?