Who Am I?

Interestingly my last blog has parlayed into today.  Yesterday I spoke of a mid-life crisis, not mine mind you,  and finding yourself.  You have a crisis because you don't know who you are and you begin your search. This I already went through about 4 years ago.   


Today began like any other Friday.  I woke, fixed breakfast,  got the kids off to school and then headed to yoga. Bruce, our yoga instructor, ended class today with a meditation. As most meditations do, we were reflecting on ourselves.  As we were in savasana or "corpse pose" he asked us to think of all of those things that make up who you are. He wanted us to make a list in our heads. "Okay, once you are finished with that then think of all of the things that you do." Okay, that was pretty simple yet extensive.  Now I knew where he was headed with this. I was ready for the next question.  Then he asked, "Okay, now who are you?"


   I thought I had this in the bag.  I have been studying this for a while, reflecting for a while.  I know that I am not defined by what I do or the labels that I or others put on me.  While I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, teacher, taxi driver, soccer mom, lacrosse mom, volunteer, and the list goes on, just like yours does, that is not who I truly am.  Those are things I am involved in, born into, married into, ... but that isn't who I am.  


Saying it is the easy part.  It makes perfect sense. I read Eckhart Tolle's books as well as a couple by Gary Zukav.  In these books they discuss this very thing.  I also get "lining your soul up with your soul's needs."  I do understand that but at times it is hard to take it to heart.  It is hard to look at your life and make those changes. Those changes usually are not easy ones. You see your life headed in one direction and you want it to go in another or you try to maintain who you are in the eyes of others but in the end you will loose the struggle.  The things in our life that do not belong there will eventually go away.  Nothing, in my eyes, is permanent. 


As my parents said to me when I was growing up,"We can either do this the easy way or the hard way." The more you fight the stuff you don't want the more it will pop up in your life. The more you deny your authentic self the more of a struggle you will have.This was awesome until I really started feeling it.  I mean really feeling it. This is also another benefit to yoga.  For me it's not just about the poses, it's about the reflection. For me it is therapy. 


During this meditation I really began to get upset on the inside.  The emotions of the morning had settled into my soul. My coordinating efforts for the school book fair weren't enough, my daughter reminded me that I didn't make it to the store yesterday so she didn't have a bagel to eat this morning, the laundry is still laying in the bedroom from the day before, I didn't make those phone calls, get those donations in, put that load of laundry in, ...  Pretty soon in my head I am a complete failure.  


My physical body reminded me that I need to get rid of all of the garbage, negative talk,  so I started crying on the inside and slowly the tears appeared on the outside.  My physical body gave my spiritual body what it needed, a good flushing out.  I tried to dry my tears as best as I could before class ended because heaven knows I can't appear weak in yoga class. As you can read I am still learning. 


 As I got up to leave the room, we continued the conversation into the foyer.   I felt, if only for a brief minute or two,  that we are all one.  The energy in the room let me know that they were thinking the same thing I was.  We all struggle, we all have power, and we have free will.  A chance to begin again:) A new day! 

Mid-Life Crisis

The term mid-life crisis is usually an offhanded remark.  When someone reaches a certain age, and starts doing things not considered to be age appropriate,  it is referred to as a mid-life crisis.   An example would be a 40 year old man purchasing a sports car.  This might be construed as a an older man trying to be young again.  The way I look at it is at this age they have earned the car.  A 20 year old should not be driving an expensive sports car unless they can afford it. Even if they can afford it I believe they still need to pay their dues and anything before the age of 40 doesn't really seem to qualify.  For the person going through these perceived changes, it isn't necessarily about wanting to be younger.  The crisis a 40 something goes through is a little deeper than that. To me a mid-life crisis is not due to thoughts of your life being half over, it's due to questions you start asking yourself like  "Who am I?"  "What am I put on this earth to do?"  We 40 somethings are looking for meaning in a life that seems not to carry any.  We start searching for the person we are meant to be.  That's when we change careers, cars, styles, partners. We get so caught up in changing to find "us" that we don't realize we don't need to do anything. We desperately look around for our authentic or true self only to come up empty handed.   Right now I think I'm okay not to have all of the answers.  All I need to know right now is that I am a soul here on earth for a designated period of time.  I'm here to interact with others, to help others, and to learn. Above all I am here to love!

More Than Just Yoga

Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday mornings I try to devote yoga.   I really look forward to it and after a little over 6 months, my body actually craves it.  The days I can't make it to class I practice at home but it is not the same for me.  I need the intermingling of other energy with my own.  I need the personalized instruction and insight. You cannot get that from a DVD.   So for me it's more than just stretching, it's a spiritual practice.  This is my time to check-in with myself.  It is my time to erase the board and start over.  I am able to focus on who I am instead of my disjointed and irrational perception of me. I feel more grounded, more sure of myself.  The instructors have an uncanny way of knowing what each of the students need during class; the poses we require, the words our heart needs to take in.  When I leave class I feel as if I've been rebooted.  Not only does my physical body feel better by working hard but my intellectual self feels more rested and powerful. I walk out of there with the "I can handle anything!" attitude.  It is important to feel unshakable.  Then when bad stuff starts happening it is not so bad.  If you believe in your own power you can handle anything :)
Namaste

Faith

Double Rainbow

It is amazing what faith can do, even a little of it.  Having faith in something motivates you.  Without faith motivation is lost.  Without faith you can feel stuck and possibly hopeless.  Without faith you are not in charge of your life.  You leave your life to chance.  You leave your life.





Faith comes and goes, sometimes a bit erratically.

Hoping that next wave won't be the last!

Ye have much faith!

                            This picture proves that sometimes you can have too much faith in someone.  My daughter wanted to believe her brother when he said," I promise I won't get you wet!"   My son wanted to get the upper hand on his sister for being so gullible, which in his mind means putting up with a lot.  Faith in something or someone is used as a life rope to many.  

                               Too much faith in people who show you that you shouldn't trust them can lead to wounded pride and possible devastation with the thought you can't trust anyone again.  


               Along with faith in others there needs to be true faith that you are meant to be where you are for a reason. Things are always changing.  Situations are always changing.  Faith gets us through those tough scary times.  


A possible reason we go through the bad, good and ugly is to experience relationships and how those chance meetings can change our lives.  The ripple effect is you do not realize how that one encounter could affect someone else.  Someone else's life.  It does not stop there.  What transpires is incalculable.  


       Completely unknown is when it will happen. Look at it as a lesson.  My son's lesson was not to take advantage of his sister's love for him. As he tells me, "Karma baby always wins out." My daughter learned not to be so trusting but only after several years of what is pictured above.  


If in the past someone has taken advantage of that trust don't forget what you learned.   Use that knowledge, especially if it is your sometimes obnoxious teenage brother. It's best to try these things out on family first.  


            In any given situation try not to judge the person because we do not know the circumstances.  We usually assume the driver who cut us off is just an incredible jerk.  Maybe, just maybe he just learned he lost his job, his wife, his child. There is usually more to the story.  So much energy is wasted on trying to figure someone out.  It is impossible.   Too many variables to do that.  


We need to work on ourselves.  We cannot change or fix anyone else.  No matter where we are in life or where we go we need to focus on change within. Having faith that we are where we are meant to be for this moment. So "Have A Little Faith."

Friends and the moment

Have you ever been separated from someone for a while yet when you get back together it's as if you haven't been apart? I have a friend like that. I've known her for years and years but that closeness has always been there. It's like putting on that comfortable pair of PJs and settling in for the evening. You want to be in that space, sharing that space. Time goes so quickly and then she's gone. While she was visiting we shared quite a few funny stories about life, about kids, about being. I think that's what makes our relationship special. I know we both bring different things to the table but it's about feeling safe, not being afraid to be vulnerable. The risk of sounding stupid, saying the wrong thing, ... is outweighed by the fact that whatever I do or say she isn't going anywhere. I trust her and she trusts me. What a wonderful place to be in. When she's in the room I automatically relax into who I am, my authentic self. She is a good friend to have around.