Don't Worry Till it Comes

                                     

Since reading several books by Eckhart Tolle and Gary Zukav  I have tried to take what they have said to heart.  I have changed my life, more specifically my outlook on life and what is important to me.  I used to be a big worrier.  I worried not only about the past, present and future of my own life but worried about everyone else's life as well.  If they did not think they had a problem well then I'm sure I could find something. I wouldn't disclose it  but instead would carry it around with me.


  On top of the worry rested perfectionism.  An ulcer was the physical result of the self-created stress. Daily I was reminded of the physicality of it all not only because my stomach hurt but I was always so tired. At the time I didn't see those things as being related. I hated living that way but didn't recognize I could do something about it.  I could never eat a normal diet.  Quite frankly I didn't know what to eat so I didn't eat much.  Now I certainly don't have that problem and perhaps have overshot the mark. Back then I was young and I made the choice to rest the world on my shoulders and it was literally eating me up inside.


Since that period of time I have slowly graduated to taking life a little less seriously.  Even in situations that could be, and usually are, perceived as tumultuous,  I have had moments of not thinking about whatever it is.  I got pretty good at releasing the obsessive thought and replacing it with focusing on the present, directing my attention on whatever I was engaged in at the time.  In my adult years I have had a lot of practice.   Recently my pattern of thought started shifting back.


Yesterday afternoon I  missed a phone call and the person had to leave a message.  The message was simply," This is Gloria at Northside.  I need for you to give me a call back."  Northside is a hospital that I went to last week for my annual mammogram.  The drill is after several days they call you back with the results.   Normally if they do not reach a patient they leave this message "Your mammogram came back normal.  See you in a year."  The message she left for me just told me to call back.  That was a little unnerving. Two years ago I had a recalled mammogram, which is a very technical way of saying they needed a better picture.  That mammogram came back normal.


Before my mind went to the "C" word I decided to take a couple of breaths. Instead I focused on my drive home.  I looked ahead at the road, the trees, the sky,  and then my thoughts drifted down to  my body.  How did my body feel against the seat?  How does the steering wheel feel in my hands?  Does the seatbelt seem too constricting across my chest?  My chest.  Will everything be okay?  What will they find?  At that moment I realized my foot felt a little light on the accelerator.  I looked down at the speedometer and sure enough I wasn't even traveling the speed limit.  It even took me a minute to realize where I was on the drive home.  Scary!  I made myself refocus.


I know this will probably not end up being breast cancer but in the event that it does I have made my mind up that I cannot waste my energy on that kind of negative brain activity. I'm going to do my best to push the toxic thoughts away and fill up that space with the present.  I'll deal with things as they come or at least I'll try.

Who Am I?

Interestingly my last blog has parlayed into today.  Yesterday I spoke of a mid-life crisis, not mine mind you,  and finding yourself.  You have a crisis because you don't know who you are and you begin your search. This I already went through about 4 years ago.   


Today began like any other Friday.  I woke, fixed breakfast,  got the kids off to school and then headed to yoga. Bruce, our yoga instructor, ended class today with a meditation. As most meditations do, we were reflecting on ourselves.  As we were in savasana or "corpse pose" he asked us to think of all of those things that make up who you are. He wanted us to make a list in our heads. "Okay, once you are finished with that then think of all of the things that you do." Okay, that was pretty simple yet extensive.  Now I knew where he was headed with this. I was ready for the next question.  Then he asked, "Okay, now who are you?"


   I thought I had this in the bag.  I have been studying this for a while, reflecting for a while.  I know that I am not defined by what I do or the labels that I or others put on me.  While I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, teacher, taxi driver, soccer mom, lacrosse mom, volunteer, and the list goes on, just like yours does, that is not who I truly am.  Those are things I am involved in, born into, married into, ... but that isn't who I am.  


Saying it is the easy part.  It makes perfect sense. I read Eckhart Tolle's books as well as a couple by Gary Zukav.  In these books they discuss this very thing.  I also get "lining your soul up with your soul's needs."  I do understand that but at times it is hard to take it to heart.  It is hard to look at your life and make those changes. Those changes usually are not easy ones. You see your life headed in one direction and you want it to go in another or you try to maintain who you are in the eyes of others but in the end you will loose the struggle.  The things in our life that do not belong there will eventually go away.  Nothing, in my eyes, is permanent. 


As my parents said to me when I was growing up,"We can either do this the easy way or the hard way." The more you fight the stuff you don't want the more it will pop up in your life. The more you deny your authentic self the more of a struggle you will have.This was awesome until I really started feeling it.  I mean really feeling it. This is also another benefit to yoga.  For me it's not just about the poses, it's about the reflection. For me it is therapy. 


During this meditation I really began to get upset on the inside.  The emotions of the morning had settled into my soul. My coordinating efforts for the school book fair weren't enough, my daughter reminded me that I didn't make it to the store yesterday so she didn't have a bagel to eat this morning, the laundry is still laying in the bedroom from the day before, I didn't make those phone calls, get those donations in, put that load of laundry in, ...  Pretty soon in my head I am a complete failure.  


My physical body reminded me that I need to get rid of all of the garbage, negative talk,  so I started crying on the inside and slowly the tears appeared on the outside.  My physical body gave my spiritual body what it needed, a good flushing out.  I tried to dry my tears as best as I could before class ended because heaven knows I can't appear weak in yoga class. As you can read I am still learning. 


 As I got up to leave the room, we continued the conversation into the foyer.   I felt, if only for a brief minute or two,  that we are all one.  The energy in the room let me know that they were thinking the same thing I was.  We all struggle, we all have power, and we have free will.  A chance to begin again:) A new day!