A Family Christmas

Family dynamics are funny.  They are funny when you sit back and look at them but not too funny when you are living it.  Right now I am  living it.  

Every Christmas for the last 23 years my husband and I make the 6 hour drive to Kentucky to visit our parents.  During our stay we also see my brother's family and my husband's family.  We can't really leave behind our kids so they have joined us since they were infants.  My brother lives  5 minutes away.   He has two kids. One of my husband's brothers also lives in Kentucky.  He has an older brother that lives in St. Louis.  Their children are older and scattered.  They try to make it in for Christmas also.  As they get older,  and more of them marry and have kids,  the Christmas visits are less predictable.

My parents and my husband's mom live across the street from one another in the same subdivision.  They have for as long as we have been together.  Kind of crazy but tremendously convenient all the way around.  When the kids were little it was so nice to walk from one grandparent's house to the other.  It's convenient now because the kids can walk themselves and we don't have to worry.

Initially when my husband and I moved to GA we would could visit our folks Thanksgiving and Christmas along with other visits sprinkled in.  Now, as the kids have got older, we come up 3 times a year which includes Christmas.  

We stay at my parents house because it would just work out better that way.  We tried staying at his mom's before but there were just too many people in that house at one time for me.  To begin with, I am forced into cohabitation with those I have never lived with nor do I see them very often.  They have not only a different way of living, what's acceptable and what isn't.   Secondly, it seems there is never enough space.  Everytime you turn around you bump into someone you really don't want to bump into.  Lastly, the kids are bored unless they are with their cousins and even that after a while becomes old.  

By the end of the week everyone is ready to hop back in the car for the 6 hour trip.  Also on the way back the kids plug in and all is well.  It's a little on the sad side but everyone is happier with this type of closeness.  

RoadTrip: It's Christmastime!

It's Christmastime!  Time for the family dynamics to really kick into full force.  All bets are off for usual behavior.

This trip up north, to visit the family during Christmas, was a little longer than usual.   As soon as we pull out of the driveway the sky opens up.  It doesn't stop raining until we pull up into my parent's driveway 7 hours later.  To aide in the headache, it now gets dark around 5:15.  I do love winter solstice but I don't enjoy driving in it.  I'm  driving solo this year.  My husband had back survey almost two weeks ago and isn't supposed to be lifting anything nor is he allowed to drive.  I do not mind that part.  Since I'm in control we can make as many stops as we need to and I can pick the place we stop at.  If he were driving we would do a drive by restroom break but only after trying to get as far as we can before someone pops. Due to the rain, my husband wasn't taking his much needed breaks. He thought he was going to melt so didn't bother to get out of the car.  By the time we arrived at our destination,  he was a pretzel and we were all having issues.

At the beginning of the trip,  kids are in the back seats getting along.  Wow they are getting along so well and it helps for everyone to be plugged into some device.   As I'm driving I realize that my parents really did have a rough go of it on trips.  There wasn't an iPod or portable DVD player to plug into.  They had to listen to a lot more of  "I'm not touching you."  "Stop it!  Mom, tell him to stop it."  Mom would say,"Just ignore it!"   Little did she know how hard that was.  Dad would sound off the usual, "Don't make me turn this car around!"Little of that goes on in our car.

I do remember a time when dad bought a black and white tv that was meant for travel. It came with an adaptor of sorts that plugged into the cigarette lighter.  It had the rabbit ears too.  Yes, we would bend the ears around until we could get a glimmer of something through the snow on the screen. Eventually we just gave up and reverted back to the "I'm not touching you" game.

The station wagon we traveled in, back in the day, had the fake wood paneling on the sides.  We had a "way back" which was a metal box with a seat.  No seat belts in the way back.  If the vehicle had to stop really fast I would imagine that we would have easily been sliced in half. The bench seat right behind the front seats could be laid down flat so the entire back was a bed.  We would lay blankets down and sleep and slide around as Dad rounded corners.

These days everyone has to be strapped in tight. No roaming kids or kids in the front seats.  The only thing I remember not liking is the fact that bathrooms were few and far between and so was food.  We would get a couple hours from home and I would start the pee pee dance while sitting.  You know the dance.  You try to cross your legs as tight as you can to hold everything in until the next stop.  No sudden moves please!

I Love Fall!!

For me there is nothing like the heart of fall. I love being in the middle of it.  Here in Georgia fall doesn't last long enough for me.  Right now, in this brief period of time, is when I take the time to reflect and make changes.  Sometimes it means starting over. I like to take the time to see what is working in my life and what isn't.  I also look at what can I do something about and what doesn't need as much of my attention. This helps me grow.  It's kind of like weeding the garden.  Every once in a while things get overgrown, or out of control.  All I have to do is take the time to take a look.  What is weighing me down?  What have I been putting off?  Have I paid enough attention to my spiritual life, my husband, my kids, my pets, my family and friends?  Do I need to make some changes?  Do some relationships need work and do other relationships not require so much work?  Am I focusing on the right things? What is really important?  Some really deep questions but really only one question really needs to be asked and then everything else will fall into place.  Am I doing things from a place of love, happiness and joy?  If I am not then maybe I no longer need to be doing it.  I wish I could apply this to the laundry, cleaning up dog messes, kids messes, my messes, ... 

I'm a Wanna-Be Fixer

Being at peace with an "issue" is a whole lot easier when those involved are not close to you. I am of course speaking of difficult issues.  Issues that could be prevented or resolved with a change in thought.

  I come from a long line of "wanna-be" fixers.  I want to help "fix things" in other's lives but at times I'm  a bit afraid to voice my opinion.  Whether I voice my true opinion or not depends on how the person is behaving in that moment.  For example, if they come to me complaining about this, that or the other thing, and it's something they can do something about,  I first determine their tone.  An angry tone is one in which listening skills should be applied first. Also if this person is one who poo poos all of my thoughts, suggestions, ... they are not going to get my true feelings but they will hear what they want to hear.  I am in no way shape or form a conflict seeker.  That to me would be confrontational.

On the flip side are those who  may not even ask for my opinion but I, on the other hand,  feel compelled, or comfortable enough with them,  to give it.  This is especially true if it's something I feel strongly about or if I can see their decision is not within my ideas of what is right and what is wrong.  Nevermind that the ideas I have may be different, but no less damaging, than theirs.

This level of comfort is usually only found in the relationship I have with my kids.  After all, haven't I earned the right and am I not obligated to let them know when the path they are on is not a good one?  Maybe this feeling of having earned the right to lead them is because I gave birth to them, I fed them, bathed them, ... They need direction and more specifically they need to know what should be happening instead of what is happening.

When they stray I let them know they better pick another option because the one they are thinking about choosing or the one they chose isn't the best.  I need to work on my delivery though.  It's hard to let them make mistake after mistake without getting frustrated enough to use the, "I told you this was going to happen.  Why didn't you listen to me?  If you had listened to me, and actually did what I said,  you could have avoided this whole mess."   I'm also trying to get it into my head that I need to settle myself down before embarking on that part of the lesson, realize that I would not want to be spoken to like that and do more listening than talking.  The most important clue into this whole puzzle is that what is happening is not a mistake.  Whatever the difficult time,  there is a lesson in there somewhere for all involved.

It's really hard to watch other family members and friends do the same.  I try to put myself in their shoes and respond accordingly.  It's difficult though when you miss the mark on understanding or just plain can't figure out why they are doing what they are. I need to work on just asking them why they do what they do but many times the conversation can get defensive and then the confrontation begins.  I'm definitely not good at responding to conflict in any shape or form.  The moment I can sense that things are headed in that direction I head in the other.  I either deflect or run.  What do you do?

Fear of the Unknown (Part II)

As for me, I don't even have to be in the water to activate the fear button.  That night, on the way in from the beach, we were walking through the breezeway to get to the condo we were staying in. Let me just say it was dark and I was paying more attention to the kids walking in front of me than my own safety.  


The kids had already rounded the next corner and my husband and I were kind of far behind them.  The next thing I knew my husband, due to his iPod induced deafness, boomed "Watch Out!"  Automatically I frantically looked around.  In front of me, on the concrete sidewalk, my eyes immediately caught sight of this black thing scurrying across my path.  I screamed and he laughed.  


Okay, he had me this time.  The rat, or other rodent I thought I saw, wasn't there.  In it's place was a black strap.  It was the ankle/wrist strap to the boogie board I was carrying.  When I looked around to find whatever it was he was warning me about the strap mocked my movement.  The kids got a big kick out of it too.  It was enough just to hear Mommy was scared.


When we got back to the condo I poured myself a tall glass of Sangria and was in for the night.  Once again it's all good :)

Friends and the moment

Have you ever been separated from someone for a while yet when you get back together it's as if you haven't been apart? I have a friend like that. I've known her for years and years but that closeness has always been there. It's like putting on that comfortable pair of PJs and settling in for the evening. You want to be in that space, sharing that space. Time goes so quickly and then she's gone. While she was visiting we shared quite a few funny stories about life, about kids, about being. I think that's what makes our relationship special. I know we both bring different things to the table but it's about feeling safe, not being afraid to be vulnerable. The risk of sounding stupid, saying the wrong thing, ... is outweighed by the fact that whatever I do or say she isn't going anywhere. I trust her and she trusts me. What a wonderful place to be in. When she's in the room I automatically relax into who I am, my authentic self. She is a good friend to have around.