Gym Class Hero, NOT!!

Here I am and I'm just a little bit bigger than I should be.  I finally got fed up. I'm tired of being overweight.  SO tired of it.  I decided to do something.  I needed help.  I started believing that I couldn't do this without some help.  My husband, while supportive of my decision,  didn't share the same goals for himself.  This makes things very, very difficult.  The above picture in particular sent me over the edge.  "Do I really look like this?"  Holy crap what happened???" No, seriously? I know my boobs aren't really that big!  Uhhh, I just measured and yes they are. 


I guess all the margaritas and incredible dinners have finally caught up with me.  It didn't help that I only occasionally walked.  Once in a blue moon.  That was my workout.  I tried to blame all of it on menopause but, ...  that really isn't fair.  It isn't fair at all.  I need to share the blame.  


For 2 weeks I checked out the gyms, trying to decide what to do; so many choices.  Do I choice the closest one or the one that has the most equipment?   Finally, after making a gym decision, I had to decide what to do next. Do I just sign up to use the equipment or do I sign up for a trainer?  I was totally immobilized for a couple of days.  I had to make a decision.  I had to commit to doing this.  I was scared.  What would this mean? No more margaritas or chips?  What about cheese dip?  You think I'm joking?  I'm not :p.  


I took a deep breath and signed.  It all looked perfect. One of the owners let me know I would meet with the clinic and then the trainer.  TRAINER!!  Really?  I had to make appointments for these which I did.


The appointments were back to back; clinic first and then trainer.  The clinic appointment probably wouldn't be so bad except for the stepping on the scale.  The trainer appointment means measurements would be taken.  That, my friends, is embarrassing.  I know what some would say, "Well you got yourself into this mess!  If you would have chosen activity and life opposed to working your day around food and margaritas then you wouldn't be here!"  This is true but not helpful.  


Trainer time!  We sit and talk about goals, diet (Paleo), and then a trial run.  WHAT!  I didn't know I was actually going to do something today.  I thought we were just going to talk.  No really!  I thought the next appointment would be the first workout.  


He tells me there will be a very basic workout so that there is a baseline.  5 minutes on  treadmill, 40 squats, 20 sit-ups, 10 pushups, 10 pull ups and I'm done.  5 minutes on the treadmill was a piece of cake.  I was walking at 3 MPH at a 5% incline.  Not bad.  I'm feeling good!!


Next comes the other stuff...                                  
                                                                           TO BE CONTINUED>>>

Self-Sabotage

Why is it that we set ourselves up? It would be nice if someone could tell me why.  I not only see it in myself, I have witnessed it in my husband, son, daughter, and brother as well as anyone else I come into contact with.  We are aware of it but do nothing about it.  Okay, maybe not everyone is aware but I know I am.   It is a conscious choice that I make.  It's almost as if I'm drawn to it.  I cannot quite decide if it's a comfort thing.  What is that saying,"Better the devil you know than the one you don't."  That carries with it a scent of insanity.

My husband and I were having a conversation about this very thing.  We were talking about the comfort some find in abusive relationships.  Sounds nuts but people stay in these relationships out of fear.  It may not come from the same source that you think it does.  They are afraid of what their life would be like without all of that craziness.  In that relationship they know what's going to happen.  To break out of that relationship is difficult because it's the unknown.

You can apply this theory to anything.  For example, I have a son who somewhat consistently sets himself up for failure.  He's a good student but every semester he does something to sabotage his success.  It's not that he didn't give it his all on a particular project, paper, homework,.. he didn't do anything in some instances.  A zero on a project tells me, tells his teacher and tells himself that 0 was done.  We've been through all of this before.  At least 4 times since the 5th grade.  He's now in the 8th grade.  He knows better.  I know that compared to the previous example this is not as volatile or is it?  It stems from the same thing and sets him up for failure every time.  After talking with him he let me know that  he was afraid. If he were to turn into that straight A student, which he is perfectly capable of, how would he be treated differently?  How would this affect him?

 I can say the same thing about myself and my struggle with losing weight.  I would like to drop 20 pounds but what would that mean?  Obviously that would require more exercise, less food and a better attitude but although that's scary that isn't the scariest thing.   For 5 years I've been in the cycle I'm in of on again off again exercise, eating okay most of the time and wishing that I was thinner/more in shape than I am.

  It would be difficult to change and do I really want to?  If I did, what else would change?  How I'm received by those I encounter on a routine basis would change for a little while but how I'm treated in public, especially in retail stores,  would change more permanently.  Believe it or not I have lived the truth of that one in particular.

Why would I decide that I have had enough of the extra weight and then within an hour devour 3 different snacks?  Not all of them are horrible snacks but bad enough because I'm not hungry.  Everything I know goes out the window in that moment.   Later, upon reflection, I realize that it's emotional eating.  I'm taking a break from feeling because I don't want to feel.  Feeling is hard and it is so draining.  Eating when I'm not hungry, on the other hand,  doesn't start out exhausting but it definitely ends that way. On top of feeling like crud, the feelings I was trying to avoid come back to me even stronger and louder than before.  That's when my mood shifts as well and I start attacking the ones I love.

Self-Sabotage is just easier for some. We already know how-to go about it.  Some of us are pretty good at it.  What are your thoughts?