Who Am I?

Interestingly my last blog has parlayed into today.  Yesterday I spoke of a mid-life crisis, not mine mind you,  and finding yourself.  You have a crisis because you don't know who you are and you begin your search. This I already went through about 4 years ago.   


Today began like any other Friday.  I woke, fixed breakfast,  got the kids off to school and then headed to yoga. Bruce, our yoga instructor, ended class today with a meditation. As most meditations do, we were reflecting on ourselves.  As we were in savasana or "corpse pose" he asked us to think of all of those things that make up who you are. He wanted us to make a list in our heads. "Okay, once you are finished with that then think of all of the things that you do." Okay, that was pretty simple yet extensive.  Now I knew where he was headed with this. I was ready for the next question.  Then he asked, "Okay, now who are you?"


   I thought I had this in the bag.  I have been studying this for a while, reflecting for a while.  I know that I am not defined by what I do or the labels that I or others put on me.  While I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, teacher, taxi driver, soccer mom, lacrosse mom, volunteer, and the list goes on, just like yours does, that is not who I truly am.  Those are things I am involved in, born into, married into, ... but that isn't who I am.  


Saying it is the easy part.  It makes perfect sense. I read Eckhart Tolle's books as well as a couple by Gary Zukav.  In these books they discuss this very thing.  I also get "lining your soul up with your soul's needs."  I do understand that but at times it is hard to take it to heart.  It is hard to look at your life and make those changes. Those changes usually are not easy ones. You see your life headed in one direction and you want it to go in another or you try to maintain who you are in the eyes of others but in the end you will loose the struggle.  The things in our life that do not belong there will eventually go away.  Nothing, in my eyes, is permanent. 


As my parents said to me when I was growing up,"We can either do this the easy way or the hard way." The more you fight the stuff you don't want the more it will pop up in your life. The more you deny your authentic self the more of a struggle you will have.This was awesome until I really started feeling it.  I mean really feeling it. This is also another benefit to yoga.  For me it's not just about the poses, it's about the reflection. For me it is therapy. 


During this meditation I really began to get upset on the inside.  The emotions of the morning had settled into my soul. My coordinating efforts for the school book fair weren't enough, my daughter reminded me that I didn't make it to the store yesterday so she didn't have a bagel to eat this morning, the laundry is still laying in the bedroom from the day before, I didn't make those phone calls, get those donations in, put that load of laundry in, ...  Pretty soon in my head I am a complete failure.  


My physical body reminded me that I need to get rid of all of the garbage, negative talk,  so I started crying on the inside and slowly the tears appeared on the outside.  My physical body gave my spiritual body what it needed, a good flushing out.  I tried to dry my tears as best as I could before class ended because heaven knows I can't appear weak in yoga class. As you can read I am still learning. 


 As I got up to leave the room, we continued the conversation into the foyer.   I felt, if only for a brief minute or two,  that we are all one.  The energy in the room let me know that they were thinking the same thing I was.  We all struggle, we all have power, and we have free will.  A chance to begin again:) A new day! 

Mid-Life Crisis

The term mid-life crisis is usually an offhanded remark.  When someone reaches a certain age, and starts doing things not considered to be age appropriate,  it is referred to as a mid-life crisis.   An example would be a 40 year old man purchasing a sports car.  This might be construed as a an older man trying to be young again.  The way I look at it is at this age they have earned the car.  A 20 year old should not be driving an expensive sports car unless they can afford it. Even if they can afford it I believe they still need to pay their dues and anything before the age of 40 doesn't really seem to qualify.  For the person going through these perceived changes, it isn't necessarily about wanting to be younger.  The crisis a 40 something goes through is a little deeper than that. To me a mid-life crisis is not due to thoughts of your life being half over, it's due to questions you start asking yourself like  "Who am I?"  "What am I put on this earth to do?"  We 40 somethings are looking for meaning in a life that seems not to carry any.  We start searching for the person we are meant to be.  That's when we change careers, cars, styles, partners. We get so caught up in changing to find "us" that we don't realize we don't need to do anything. We desperately look around for our authentic or true self only to come up empty handed.   Right now I think I'm okay not to have all of the answers.  All I need to know right now is that I am a soul here on earth for a designated period of time.  I'm here to interact with others, to help others, and to learn. Above all I am here to love!

Medical Breakthroughs?

There has been talk in the medical community for a few years regarding red yeast rice. Red yeast rice has been found to lower cholesterol yet it is a supplement that you can buy over-the-counter. Well, right now you can buy it over-the-counter.  Currently the FDA is trying to decide whether or not this cholesterol lowering agent should be classified as a drug.  The dispute stems from a legal and industrial stand point.


 Red yeast rice has been used in China for over 1,000 years to improve circulation, as a digestive aid as well as a preservative, spice and a food coloring.  Red yeast rice is a product of yeast grown on rice.  It has naturally occurring statins. Statins are used in the prescription Mevacor, among others,  to lower cholesterol.  These lovastatin drugs were originally derived from a type of red yeast and can only be obtained through a prescription.


  In 2007 the FDA banned red yeast rice supplements that contained lovastatin. Was this because of a fear that if it wasn't regulated that people would be harmed?  I don't know but it does seem rather suspect. There are studies suggesting that it is safe because of the longterm use in Asian countries.  The FDA would like to reclassify red yeast rice as a prescription drug but in the same breath declares that red yeast rice without the beneficial amounts of lovastatin do nothing to lower cholesterol.  Maybe that would justify the price increase.  


Interestingly enough you can buy a 30 day supply of red yeast rice for less than $30.  How much do you think it would cost to fill a prescription for Mevacor?  Roughly a 30 day supply would cost around $80.  A 30 day supply of Altoprev , depending on the mg, can cost as much as $239.99, which is quite a difference.  You could request a prescription for Lovastatin, the generic, for close to the same cost of red yeast rice supplement but how often do you think a doctor writes a prescription for Lovastatin? Even if they did lower the cost of the prescription, think about how many cholesterol lowering drugs are out in the market? How many prescriptions would be written and at what cost? 


In 2007 150 million prescriptions were filled for lovastatin drugs. In 2009 lovastatin prescriptions amounted to $14.3 billion dollars in sales. Lipitor was a top seller coming in at $7.5 billion.  This is according to Consumer Reports.  An incredible amount of money to be made on something that has been around since 800 AD.  Banning oyster mushrooms is probably right around the corner.  Oyster mushrooms contain as much as 2.8% statin.  Where do we draw the line?  

Resistance

When something isn't going your way have you ever thought to check your level of resistance?  The pain that we go through is self-created.  It's because we pushed back.  We judged a situation as good or bad.  If it's bad then that situation turns negative.  Ours lives do not have to be this way.  Even in the midst of a painful situation we need to learn to relax into it.  The more we fight it the more pain we encounter. By taking to heart "It is what it is" the sky is the limit.

It's Amazing!!

It's truly amazing how a shift in perspective can change your outlook on the moment.  My son loves watching sports on TV.  He loves engaging me in conversation about what he watches.  This is really not my cup of tea.  On the other hand, it is my son and what he gets excited about interests me.

From a young age he has not only wanted to watch football on TV but also play football.  This to me was disturbing.  When he was 8 and 9 years old he would ask that question knowing what my answer would be.  I thought he was just to young and my husband didn't push the issue.  It just wasn't a big deal.  He did other things though.

He tried his hand at soccer, gymnastics, tennis, soccer, among other things.  Yes, I mentioned soccer twice because he played when he was little then took some time off to pursue other activities.  Later when he was 10 he returned to it.  By the time he was 12 he encountered a coach with a loosing team.  The coach himself was down about it and I believe because of this let the team down. By the end of that last season,  I don't think there was a kid on the team that wanted to be there. During the game I would look over at the coach and there he was distanced from the team with his head in his hands.  What kind of a message does that send?

When the spring soccer season came to a close my son was glad and promised not to play soccer again.  That's when he started tip toeing around the idea of playing football.  By this time he was one of the bigger kids.  He was tall for his age and of medium build.  This time I said,"Okay."  I knew I had to give him that chance.  He did need a change.

Conditioning for football season began in July and the first game was at the end of August.  That week of training was rough on him but he hung in there.  Practices began the next week.  He had practice 3 days a week.  Two of those practices were in full pads and helmet.  It was crazy hot.  He didn't complain though.  He didn't complain until he realized that maybe this football thing isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

One of the drills involved two players lying helmet to helmet on the ground with their knees bent.  The coach would yell,"One, two, three go!"  At that point the two players would jump up and run toward each other full force.  You would hear the crunching of the helmets.  I couldn't bear to watch but to listen to it was worse. Also I couldn't comprehend what the players could be learning from this.  After the first time I could tell my son wanted to be a part of this as much as he wanted to walk into a room filled with spiders.  He's really not an aggressive kid.  This went so much against his nature that I would watch him do what he could to avoid that kind of rough contact.

 Some of the players were thirsty for it though.  They were "good" players but that instinct is what made them good.  After my son's turn at this game of torture, he would slide to the back of the line and do what he could to make certain that he stayed at the back of the line.  Several times I watched this happen and surprisingly he started making excuses as to why he couldn't go to practice that day or why he didn't want to play in the game.

Also, once again the experience he had with coaches wasn't the best.  Promises were made but there wasn't any follow-thru.  In the end he basically lost respect for men he should be able to trust.  I am glad he went through what he did.  Quite frankly, that was his path.  He needed to find out on his own that a change was needed and along the way he learned to trust his instincts.

At this point I don't even think he wanted to play another sport but he kept his mind open.  I started researching to see what else was available at the same time throwing options out to him and asking him his thoughts.  I asked about baseball and he immediately said no.  I was kind of glad because I don't know that would have been a good fit.  Then I mentioned basketball.  He plays basketball in the neighborhood with his friend and enjoys it.  Some of the other kids have remarked that he plays well.  He's tall so I thought this would be a good solution.

                                                       "NO MOM," was the response I got.
How could that be, I thought.  I ran down the checklist in my head and everything seemed good.  He later informed me that he just liked to play but didn't want to play on a "team."  Okay, I understood the logic.  If he's just playing then there isn't any stress.  If he misses a shot, no big deal.
 
                                                        "What about cross country?"

I watched him run laps with the rest of his team out on the football field. He was usually 2nd or 3rd in line.  He was able to endure the run because he was able to control his speed.  He was mature enough to know how to come in 2nd or 3rd.
                                                      "NO MOM," was the response I got.

                                                       "Why not?"

                                                     "I don't like running."

Okay, once again I get it.  I don't like running either.  What's left?

W

I could actually see a change in my son's attitude.  He liked the game.  Even when he found out that his younger friend would be playing in a different age bracket he was still okay.  Normally something like this would rock his world.  Not this time.  That's when I knew we were on the right track.  So far he doesn't check the weather to see whether or not there is a potentiall for practice or a game to be rained out.  He's ready to go to practice and actually practices on his own from time to time.  When his dad asked him if liked lacrosse better than football he didn't really answer directly but instead said,                               "It's a game with more strategy.  You definitely use your head more." It is amazing because that is the first time he has given positive feedback about a sport/activity he has been involved in.

The game of lacrosse isn't nearly as nonviolent as I thought.  It's amazing what you can get away with in lacrosse.  It's a good thing they are pretty well padded because there are few places on the body they aren't allowed to attack with the stick.  They wear helmets but at least they are not doing that senseless drill where they try to knock each others heads off or at least crack their skulls.  Maybe they were just doing a helmet check football style.

It's amazing how when you are open to change, you can change your world.

Fear of the Unknown (Part III)

Fearing the unknown is something we all do.  Sometimes we are thrown into situations that scare us but if we treat it right it will allow us to grow, becoming more comfortable with who we are and what we are capable of.  This is exactly what happened to me one evening last December.

My husband and I went to see Dialogue in the Dark, which I highly recommend.  I knew a little about it, what I considered was enough to know.  It is an interesting concept though and one that I was hoping to learn a little something from.  During the experience,  you are guided through different scenarios that a blind person encounters on a routine basis.  You stroll through a park, cross the street, order lunch, make other purchases, ... Not only was it to show us how physically demanding it is to not have your sight but also how much those who cannot see have to depend on those who can.  I was a little nervous about this and had already convinced myself  something was going to go wrong when the lights went out.

Bobby, our guide,  was ready for us.  He is blind.  In fact all of the guides here are visually impaired to one degree or another. You go into this experience with a handful of others.  Most seemed pretty eager to be there.  I, on the other hand, was not so sure. We were told to go into this room where acrylic cubes were arranged in a large circle.  We all found a seat.

After some instruction the lights began to dim.  I paid close attention to everything that was being said.  It's in my nature to follow rules and it's actually a comfort, especially if it's a new experience.  Rules provide boundaries.  Boundaries are a good thing.  If you follow the rules everything will be okay, or so I thought.   One thing I forgot to mention is that if all else failed I could depend on my husband to stay with me. Right?

As soon as we started the journey it was like he had disappeared.  I no longer knew where he was and I was on my own.  I wasn't counting on that.  I'm still okay though. I just need to make certain I can still hear the guide's voice. As long as I keep up with him I will be able to do that.  I tried to listen for my husband's voice.  His voice was distant but I could hear him having a good time up ahead of me. That's all that matters, right?

The voices started getting farther and farther away.  I heard the faint voice of the guide telling us not to go through any doors and to stick with the group.  Okay, I can do that but everyone sounded so far away.  I was trying to catch-up but it didn't seem like I was making progress.  I found myself tripping over things. Finally I hear the guide's voice get a little louder saying,"We are about to enter a room.  Remember don't go through any doors that aren't already opened for you."

 I then realized I was no longer just at the end of the line. I was by myself.  Panic started to set in.  I was still in the room that was full of closed doors.  I kept thinking to myself that the rest of the group cannot be too far ahead, although I really didn't believe it.   I began feeling my way around encountering door jambs every couple of feet, or so it seemed.  It was a small room and yet I could not find a way out because I was not supposed to "go through any doors that aren't open." I tried to recall why and quickly remembered that all of those doors lead out to the parking lot. It was dark outside and we were in downtown Atlanta. I didn't think that was a good combination for me to be caught up in.  That's when true panic set in.  Not only was I using my cane but also my hands to find my way out as I was saying to myself,"This is exactly what I thought would happen.  Where is my husband and why do I not hear voices any longer."

Frantically,  I took the cane around every angle of the room.  Still not finding a way out I began crying.  The crying turned to sobbing.  I just sat in what I perceived to be the middle of the room until I could cry no longer.  Still no one came.    I felt so lost and all alone. Then all at once I heard a voice in my head that said," Pick yourself up and open the nearest door."  I had exhausted all of my other options so that's exactly what I did.  

Same picture just different lighting

Before I let the door close behind me I listened for clues as to what might be on the other side.  Silence. Through the door I went. After a few steps I began to hear voices that sounded as if they were above me, still so far away.  After following those voices I was able to rejoin the group.  I wanted to scream I was so happy.  I also wanted to scream at my loving husband because he apparently had no idea what I had just gone through.  I am glad I went through what I did but it totally rocked my world.  It taught me to have a little more faith in myself, a little less dependence on others and that in the end it's all okay. Don't be afraid of the dark because you are never alone. 

Fear of the Unknown (Part II)

As for me, I don't even have to be in the water to activate the fear button.  That night, on the way in from the beach, we were walking through the breezeway to get to the condo we were staying in. Let me just say it was dark and I was paying more attention to the kids walking in front of me than my own safety.  


The kids had already rounded the next corner and my husband and I were kind of far behind them.  The next thing I knew my husband, due to his iPod induced deafness, boomed "Watch Out!"  Automatically I frantically looked around.  In front of me, on the concrete sidewalk, my eyes immediately caught sight of this black thing scurrying across my path.  I screamed and he laughed.  


Okay, he had me this time.  The rat, or other rodent I thought I saw, wasn't there.  In it's place was a black strap.  It was the ankle/wrist strap to the boogie board I was carrying.  When I looked around to find whatever it was he was warning me about the strap mocked my movement.  The kids got a big kick out of it too.  It was enough just to hear Mommy was scared.


When we got back to the condo I poured myself a tall glass of Sangria and was in for the night.  Once again it's all good :)