Friday, October 15, 2010

Who Am I?

Interestingly my last blog has parlayed into today.  Yesterday I spoke of a mid-life crisis, not mine mind you,  and finding yourself.  You have a crisis because you don't know who you are and you begin your search. This I already went through about 4 years ago.   


Today began like any other Friday.  I woke, fixed breakfast,  got the kids off to school and then headed to yoga. Bruce, our yoga instructor, ended class today with a meditation. As most meditations do, we were reflecting on ourselves.  As we were in savasana or "corpse pose" he asked us to think of all of those things that make up who you are. He wanted us to make a list in our heads. "Okay, once you are finished with that then think of all of the things that you do." Okay, that was pretty simple yet extensive.  Now I knew where he was headed with this. I was ready for the next question.  Then he asked, "Okay, now who are you?"


   I thought I had this in the bag.  I have been studying this for a while, reflecting for a while.  I know that I am not defined by what I do or the labels that I or others put on me.  While I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, teacher, taxi driver, soccer mom, lacrosse mom, volunteer, and the list goes on, just like yours does, that is not who I truly am.  Those are things I am involved in, born into, married into, ... but that isn't who I am.  


Saying it is the easy part.  It makes perfect sense. I read Eckhart Tolle's books as well as a couple by Gary Zukav.  In these books they discuss this very thing.  I also get "lining your soul up with your soul's needs."  I do understand that but at times it is hard to take it to heart.  It is hard to look at your life and make those changes. Those changes usually are not easy ones. You see your life headed in one direction and you want it to go in another or you try to maintain who you are in the eyes of others but in the end you will loose the struggle.  The things in our life that do not belong there will eventually go away.  Nothing, in my eyes, is permanent. 


As my parents said to me when I was growing up,"We can either do this the easy way or the hard way." The more you fight the stuff you don't want the more it will pop up in your life. The more you deny your authentic self the more of a struggle you will have.This was awesome until I really started feeling it.  I mean really feeling it. This is also another benefit to yoga.  For me it's not just about the poses, it's about the reflection. For me it is therapy. 


During this meditation I really began to get upset on the inside.  The emotions of the morning had settled into my soul. My coordinating efforts for the school book fair weren't enough, my daughter reminded me that I didn't make it to the store yesterday so she didn't have a bagel to eat this morning, the laundry is still laying in the bedroom from the day before, I didn't make those phone calls, get those donations in, put that load of laundry in, ...  Pretty soon in my head I am a complete failure.  


My physical body reminded me that I need to get rid of all of the garbage, negative talk,  so I started crying on the inside and slowly the tears appeared on the outside.  My physical body gave my spiritual body what it needed, a good flushing out.  I tried to dry my tears as best as I could before class ended because heaven knows I can't appear weak in yoga class. As you can read I am still learning. 


 As I got up to leave the room, we continued the conversation into the foyer.   I felt, if only for a brief minute or two,  that we are all one.  The energy in the room let me know that they were thinking the same thing I was.  We all struggle, we all have power, and we have free will.  A chance to begin again:) A new day! 

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